Lost and Alone
by ThisGirlOnFire
Summary: Katniss has lost everything. Her family and maybe even her sanity. To get away from the emptiness that is her home, she moves away with her Uncle Haymitch to a small town called Panem. Her days usually consist of staring out the window, numb to world, but what happens when she spots her next door neighbor for the first time? When their eyes connect, everything changes. RATED M!
1. A World of Loss

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games! All characters belong to Suzanne Collins! This is my first fanfiction, so please be kind. **

Chapter One

The world seems to be slipping through my fingers. Everything in my life is just a constant battle between the things I love and the things I lose. I remember a time when those two things were separated by a fine line but, now the line has been erased and I have nothing left to love. One by one everything has disappeared and I just can't stop it anymore. The tears are freely flowing down my face as I stare at my sister on the hospital bed. Prim, the only family I really have left, is dying.

My life was this perfect bubble of safety and comfort until the day my father was hit head on by a drunk driver. I was 11 years old, and from then on my life was changed forever. My daddy, the man I loved more than anything in this world, was gone. When the police came knocking on our door that night, I watched my mother crumble to ground and turn numb. She never did recover. My mother wasted away right before my eyes. Prim and I were helpless to the hunger that grew in our bellies.

Prim and I would have died if I hadn't taken to hunting for food in the woods. This was a pastime I used to do with my father, but we would always sell the meat the butcher. This time I was alone, and I was fully intent on eating whatever I caught. We slowly started regaining our strength, the color in our cheeks, and some meat on our bones.

It was on the fifth anniversary of my father's death that I found my mother dead. Some people say she died of a broken heart, but I know the truth. My uncle Haymitch moved in to help Prim and I when he discovered our situation. He has plenty of money and was able to help sustain a roof over our head, supplies for school, new cloths, and extra food. It was blessing and a curse, because while he did such great things for us, he was also a bitter old drunk.

Uncle Haymitch had offered to pay for therapy for my mother, hoping it would bring her out of her fog and back to her family. She had been prescribed anti-depressant pills. She had just had them re-filled the day before she passed away. It was that same bottle of pills I found empty on her bedside table that night. My mother, the selfish women she was committed suicide and left her children alone.

My Uncle Haymitch then became responsible for us, being our only other family. We all got along fine for about a year, until my sister Prim was hit by a car on her way home from school two days ago. She was rushed to the ER and has been in ICU ever since. The only thing keeping her alive is the machines. My baby sister has zero brain activity, and the doctors told me that there is no hope for her ever being able to survive off life support. Knowing this, I still haven't been able to bring myself to let her go. Ultimately, it's Haymitch's decision but he would never pull the plug without my permission.

I stared at her face, her innocent face. She's only 13 and is already as good as dead. I begin to cry again knowing my little duck has been robbed of a future. She was so bright, always dreaming of becoming a doctor. I brushed her blonde hair from her face, and silently begged to see those blue eyes one last time. If I could just say goodbye, and tell her how sorry I am for not being there to pick her up that day. If only I was there, I could have pushed her out-of-the-way. I could have done something.

"Miss Everdeen, how are you doing today?" The doctor smiles down at me from the doorway.

"I'm fine, thank you." I lie.

"Have you given anymore thought to what we discussed?"

He's talking about pulling the plug. He told me that there was no hope she would ever wake up, and she would connect to these machines for the rest of her life. I did think about it. I thought about how my sister would not want this for herself. She would want me to let her go, I know she would. I'm the one being selfish. I just don't know if **I** could survive without seeing the breath in her lungs.

"I have thought about it. I think I'm going to have too-too le-"

"Too let her go." The doctor finishes for me. I nod.

"Would you like me to go get your uncle from the waiting area?"

"Yes please."

The doctor leaves and I'm left to face the gravity of my decision. My heart breaks apart as I realize that with the next few minutes my sister will be dead. I begin to panic. I stand up and start pacing, while the blood rushes through my body, making my pulse point in my wrists tingle. Suddenly I can't breathe and I open the window slightly to let in some air. Haymitch walks in with the doctor, actually looking sober for once. He can see the fear in my eyes and he does something he never does. He walks over to me and pulls me in a tight hug.

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. We'll get through this. You're a strong girl and I know that you'll pull through." He squeezes a little tighter and then let's go and walks over to Prim.

He gives her a kiss on the cheek, squeezes her hand and he nods to doctor. I'm frozen in place as the doctor flips the switch and the machines shut down. Then I stare at Prims chest. It rises, then falls, rises, falls, rises, falls, stutters, and then it's calm. I hold my breath, waiting for her chest to rise just one last time. It never does.

I collapse to the floor then. I hear a shriek come from somewhere, I wait for the girl to shut up and stop screaming but she never does. She gets louder, yelling at the top of her lungs. Suddenly, Haymitch and the doctor are holding me up and saying things to me, but I struggle against them. I don't know what they're saying; all I can hear is that damn girl screaming. When two nurses run in holding a needle, I suddenly notice the soreness in my throat. I'm the one screaming.

Suddenly the world goes back and the last thing I hear is, "It's alright sweetheart."

**Next chapter will be up soon, please leave reviews!**


	2. Those Blue Eyes

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games. All rights belong to Suzanne Collins! **

Chapter 2

I awoke in a hospital bed. All my limbs felt stiff and lifeless. I glanced around the room and found Haymitch actively talking to the doctor out in the hallway. He glanced over the doctor's shoulder and saw me staring at him. He politely excused himself and walked over to me. I could swear his eyes were puffy and red, almost as if he was crying at some point. Haymitch never cries.

"Goodmorning Sunshine!" He smirks at me.

"Why am I lying in this hospital bed?"

"Because, you just found it so damn cozy." I scowl at him, which just makes him laugh.

"You started to lose it after- after your sister passed." He cast his eyes downward, afraid that he might set me off again. I took in a slow, ragged breath, and braced myself for the tears I could feel coming. Surprisingly, all I felt was numb. It calmed me, yet scared me all at the same time. After he was sure that I was going to remain calm he continued. "The hospital staff had to sedate you to get you stop screaming. They were afraid you were a danger to not only others, but to yourself."

This infuriated me. A danger? I wouldn't have hurt anyone. I just lost my sister for god sakes! Aren't I allowed to be emotionally damaged for five damn minutes before they decide I'm a 'danger'? Haymitch noticed the flames building behind my eyes as my anger started to build up into a full out inferno.

"Whoa there girl on fire, it was just a safety precaution and you definitely needed it. You were losing it."

"Can we just go home? I can't be here anymore." The presence of my sister seemed to be lurking everywhere. As if it's spirit was breathing down my neck.

"We can go home as soon as I fill out both of your paperwork. Just get some rest, I'll be back to come get you."

"Both of our paperwork?" As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. Of course, he had to settle everything with Prims body. Prim's _**body**_. The empty shell of what used to be my sister; my everything.

"I'll be back soon." With that, Haymitch left the room.

I crawled into a ball and cried myself to sleep.

* * *

The first night in my house without Prim lying next to me in our bed was one of the toughest nights I've ever endured. Even the nights I was starving to death made me feel more whole than this moment. I felt empty, lost, and alone.

I had always felt alone, but back then I never really was. I lie on back and close my eyes, but the second I do that, her blue eyes are staring back at me. My eyes shoot open and I take in a sharp intake of breath. I close my eyes again and she's screaming. She's yelling at me.

_Why weren't you there Katniss? WHY? _

"I'm so sorry Prim! I was hunting! I lost track of time!"

_How could you do this to me?_

"I never wanted this to happen. It was supposed to me and you Prim, always."

Suddenly the image of her walking across the street appeared behind my closed lids. I knew what was coming, I knew what I was about to see. I tried to force my eyes open but they were glued shut. She wants me to see this. She wants me to see what happened to her. She's listening to her iPod and doesn't here the car come speeding down the road.

"PRIM!" I scream. "PRIM WATCH OUT!"

It's no use. She looks up just in time to see the car come zooming toward her. Her feet are planted to the ground in fear. The car hits her with such a force that she goes flying through the air, and hits the street with such a force that you can hear her skull crack. The car keeps driving. My baby sister is lying there, in a puddle of her own blood when other pedestrians start to huddle around her. They're all screaming for someone to call 911.

"_She's unresponsive!" _Someone yells out.

"PRIM! NO! PRIM! WAKE UP!" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs when something jolts me awake.

"Sweetheart, stop. It's a nightmare. You're having a nightmare." Haymitch tries to calm me.

"Prim? Where's Prim?" I start to ask. So sure that it's ALL a nightmare.

"Tha-that part isn't a nightmare sweetheart. Prim is gone." He struggles to get that out.

I just stare up at him, begging for him to tell me that it's not true. He never does.

"I can't stay here anymore, Haymitch." I say to him quietly. This house is filled with too much sadness, and it feels all to empty.

"I figured you would say as much. I've been up all night looking for a place in my home town. I finally found one and I'm calling the realtor tomorrow. We're going to move far away from here, far away from this cold, dark, and dreary house."

* * *

The house isn't all that bad. It's two bedrooms, two bath, with a rather large kitchen area. It's located in the heart of Panem, Haymitch's home town. I would be enjoying it, if it weren't for the fact that the damn realtor won't shut up.

"Oh, I know you two are just going to love it here. It's a perfect location and has that real warm homey feeling to it. Isn't it just grand? I just fell in love with it when I first saw it, and I couldn't wait to sell to two very lucky people. Oh my, you two are just so lucky." Effie the realtor just boasted on and on.

"What do you think, Katniss?" Haymitch asked me as he backed away from the very touchy friendly women.

"I think it's nice. I could see myself living here."

"We'll take it then." Haymitch says, and he follows the overly excited Effie into the kitchen to fill out some paperwork.

I start to wander the place, and come across what will be my room. It's painted purple, Prim's favorite color. She would have been ecstatic. There's no way I'm going to be able to look at these walls. I decide I'll paint them a forest green, to remind me of home.

"It's all done, Katniss. We can start moving in our boxes now." Haymitch says startling me. I nod and make my way outside to collect my few belongings.

* * *

It's been a few weeks now, and summer is here. I finished my last few courses of Junior year online. I couldn't bare leaving the house long enough to go to school. I've never been a very socialable person, but under the circumstances I certainly wasn't in the mood now.

I spend most of my time staring out the window and just thinking. From time to time my eyes will glaze over and no one can get me out of my trance. Haymitch will come in and set down food for me, then come back a few hours later to collect my untouched plate. Sometimes I'll feel whole enough to make myself something to eat, or to tidy up the house. These are the times when I usually take care of Haymitch. He might be passed out on the couch from being drunk, or he might be violently puking, or most of the time throwing things around the house in anger. We never got a long too well, but we take care of each other, Haymitch and I.

It's one of those bad days for me, when I stare out the window and am met with the most beautiful pair of blue eyes I've ever seen. He's in his bedroom, staring back at me through the window. He's my next door neighbor. I vaguely remember Haymitch telling me something about the neighbors. I think he said they were the-the Mellarks? Yeah, that sounds right. A husband, wife, and a son live there. The boy is my age. I can't remember his name.

He's staring at me intensely and I feel myself blush slightly. The left side of his mouth pulls up into an adorable half smile. He waves at me, but I can't bring myself to wave back. He runs the same hand through his blonde hair, and then it falls back in front of his eyes. He nervously darts his eyes back up to mine, and I smile.

I actually smile. Something I haven't done since the morning Prim left for school the day she died. It frightens me and I quickly run to the bathroom. I look up into the mirror and study my features. My cheeks are hallowed, my hair is wild, and my eyes are bloodshot from constantly crying. I realize then that I need to pull myself together. I am not my mother. I need to be strong, for Prim.

I don't know who he is, or why he has this effect on me but, that blonde haired, blue eyed boy just pulled me from my never ending depression.

**The next chapter is all Katniss and Peeta interaction. I know I've been holding out, but I promise that this next chapter is only about them. Review please! I'm thinking about making the next chapter in Peeta's POV. What do you think?**


	3. Out of the Fog

**Author Note: I do not now nor will I ever own the rights to the Hunger Games. All rights belong to Suzanne Collins because she is a genius and created the best story in the world. Warning: This chapter is rated M for mature content. This chapter includes self-harm and brief nudity. If you do not wish to read these things, please skip this chapter.**

Chapter three

Katniss POV

I woke up to the bright light streaming through my window. I walked over to it to shut the blinds and maybe sleep a few extra hours. When I glanced out the window I noticed him. He was only wearing his boxers and was cleaning up around his room. He noticed me and waved. I waved back with a slight blush. He was in nothing but his underwear, and I had never seen that much of a man. I may be a seventeen year old girl, but honestly, boys were always the last thing on my mind. I had a family to support but… I don't anymore.

My face falls. I have no family left to protect. My dad, my mother, Prim, they're all dead. I'm alone, I remind myself. Nothing will ever bring them back. Mourning for them will never bring them back, but remembering them will ensure that they will carry on for as long as I live. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

I head to the bathroom to take a much needed bath, because even I'll admit it to myself, I'm gross. I turn on the water so its scolding, to hopefully thaw the cold and numbness from my body. As I seep into the water, I realize that nothing will make this numbness from my body go away. I feel nothing. Not even the hot water makes me feel something.

I get out of the tub and walk over to cabinets beneath the sink. I search for that cold hard piece of metal that will guarantee me what I want the most. I find the blade and get back into the tub. I take calm breaths as I balance the tiny blade on my knee caps. I stare at it as if it's mocking me. Telling me that I need it. That I need to punish myself. That I need it to feel something. The blade knows how much I rely on it. Oh, it knows. I try to fight myself on it but, it's always been a constant battle. I don't want it, but then again I want it so bad. I need it like I need the air in my lungs.

I grasp the blade between my fingers and line it up with the top of my thigh. I press it into my skin and drag it in a long line. I wince because it stings, but then I smile because I was capable of feeling pain. That must mean that I'm capable of feeling other things. Right? Suddenly I feel this strange calmness and my whole body relaxes. I cut two more lines. Then I set the blade down, and put my shampoo bottle on top of it, to conceal it.

I look at my cuts; the blood coming out of them almost looks beautiful to me. I feel like if I hurt myself on the outside, somehow I'll eventually kill the thing on the inside. The thing that is threatening to swallow me whole. The thing that has consumed my life for three weeks. I let one tear shed. That is all I will allow myself to cry. Just one tear. The bath tub is becoming a foggy red, so I let the water drain. I get up and finish washing myself in a shower.

I go into my bedroom to get changed. I drop my towel and start rummaging through my drawers for some underwear. I hear a loud crash that sounded like it came from outside of my room. I look to my right and notice that the blue eyed boy is staring right at me. His face is that of shock and embarrassment. I look down at his feet and notice that he dropped a lamp. It's shattered all over the floor. I give him a confused look, and mouth _what? _

His gaze drifts from mouth then down my body. At first I'm confused, and then I remember what I'm holding in my hands. I look down at my hands and realize I'm holding my clothes. The clothes that I'm not wearing. _Oh, _I mouth. oh.. OH MY GOD! I ran out of the room and got changed in my bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and realized that my face was bright red. I can NOT go back to my room. That was the most embarrassing moment of my life. How the hell did I not realize I was naked? I mean come ON Katniss. Idiot! I braided my hair down my back and walked out into the living room. Haymitch was passed out on the couch with a vodka bottle in one hand, and a knife in the other. Haymitch always sleeps with his knife. I'm not sure why, and I have always been afraid to really ask. I kick his leg and he springs up, slashing his knife through the air.

"Dude! Watch where you swing that thing!" I screamed.

"Never, and I repeat, never wake a man while he's sleeping." He grumbles.

I walk over to the kitchen and begin to make a sandwich. I set two Advil on the plate next to his sandwich while the coffee brews. I bring him his sandwich and coffee and he eats it greedily.

"What brings you out of your funk kid?" He questions as he downs the Advil.

"I'm not really sure. I guess I figured it was time to get my shit together." I don't mention the blue eyed boy.

"Well I'll say."

"Don't get me started old man. You've been a drunk for the past twenty years. When are you going to get your shit together?" I scowl at him from across the room while I make my own sandwich.

"I never said I was perfect… but I want more for you." He whispers the last part.

We have never been one for sentimental conversation. That was always Prim's job. I drop the knife I was using to spread the mustard and just stare at him. His head is in his hands and he's paying no attention to me.

"Haymitch, why… are you like this?" I force out the words slowly. I've never even bothered to ask him this simple question.

"I was in love once you know. A beautiful girl named Maysilee. We ran away together because your grandparents didn't approve of her, much like they didn't approve of your father. This was a few years before you were born. We planned to get married and start a life together but," He pauses takes a deep breath then continues. "But she was a prostitute. She was kidnapped from her home when she was sixteen and forced into prostitution. I wanted to save her from all of that and love her forever. When she tried to escape to meet that night, so we could run away, her pimp beat her. Somehow he found out that she was going to escape that night and he was waiting for her. He grabbed her, pushed her to the ground and beat her. I know this because her friend, Johanna, came to me and told me everything she saw. I begged for her to tell me where Maysilee was. But Jo backed away from me with tears in her eyes. That's when I knew she was dead. I knew that Snow, her pimp, had done it only so she would never be happy. He was one of those people that laughed in the face of happiness. Like it was some foreign emotion that he saw as weakness. He felt the same way about love, and Maysilee was running away for both of those things. He would never allow it, so he killed her. I gave her my entire heart. My entire soul. It all died with her. If I didn't have you… I would be as good as dead."

I looked up at him then with tears in my eyes. I never knew this about my uncle. He confessed that he needed me to feel like he wasn't completely dead, and I think those are the kindest things he's ever said to me. I ran to him and pulled into a hug. As emotional as the moment was, neither of us were good with words or feelings. The moment quickly ended and I parted him to retrieve my sandwich.

"Make sure you save up an appetite. We were invited over to the Mellark's for dinner tonight."

Well fuck.

**Uh-oh. Who's ready for some awkward conversation? Please review!**


	4. Songbird

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games! All rights belong to Suzanne Collins. Warning: Chapter rated M for abuse and self-harm.**

Chapter four

I smoothed down the ruffles in my skirt, mentally yelling at Haymitch for making wear this thing. I notice that my shirt has become un-tucked in the back. It looks like a tail… a duck tail. My little duck… my dead little duck… I feel myself begin to panic. I can't lose it right now, I can't! I run into the bathroom and slam the door. I reach for the blade under my shampoo bottle and draw one light line onto my arm. It's so small and just barely scratches the surface. It looks almost as if a cat could have done it. No big deal. I suddenly feel that strange sense of calm.

I tuck in my shirt all the way and glance in the mirror. You can do this Katniss. He's seen you naked, saying Hi can't be too hard. I apply some light mascara and head out into the living room to meet Haymitch.

"You finally ready sweetheart?"

"Yes, let's just get this over with." I scowl.

"Your enthusiasm, it's amazing." I roll my eyes and dart out the door.

We walk over in silence and we both end up staring at the door, not exactly sure what to do next. We really aren't socialable people. Lord help us. I knock on the door and wait. After a few moments I think they may not have heard it, so I step up the door to knock a little harder when the door swings open. I'm suddenly nose to nose with blue eyes. He blushes and steps back a few steps inviting us in. Haymitch walks right over to Mr. Mellark and gives him a firm handshake and starts engaging himself in conversation.

"Hi." Blue eyes greets me

"Hello." I respond, not meeting his eyes.

"I'm Peeta." He holds out his hand, as if waiting for me to shake it. I don't.

"Katniss." I mumble out, finally looking up at Peeta who runs the hand I rejected though his hair. I'm sensing it's a nervous habit of his.

His blonde hair is that shaggy kind of style, just barely coming above his eyes. Those eyes are so much more dazzling in person. There like two blue crystals just beckoning to me. Nobody's eyes can be that blue. Not even Prim's eyes were that blue, and hers were breathtaking.

"Do you wear contacts?" I blurt out awkwardly.

"What? Uhm- no. Why?" He stammers.

"It's just… nevermind. Look…"

"I'm so sorry for looking at you today. You just caught me by surprise, and I was just so shocked I couldn't really respond fast enough, and oh god, I'm so sorry." His eyes dart to the ground like he's a child awaiting to be scolded.

"No, it's my fault, I should have remembered to close the blinds."

"Uhm, for what it's worth… you're really beautiful." He finally looks up at me again and gives me that lopsided smile. I feel like I have no choice but to return it with a blush.

"Dinner!" A women's voice rings throughout the house. I assume it's Mrs. Mellark.

"We should probably get in there…" I point out awkwardly. God this is going awful.

"What? Uhm, yeah." He practically darts into the dining room.

Great Katniss, way to go. Scaring off a cute guy, what you do best. I don't know what I did to scare him, and I honestly am baffled by the fact I even care. I don't pay attention to guys, ever. Peeta is not anyone special. He's just a guy, a guy that clearly isn't interested in me.

I make my way over to the dining room table, and take the only seat left available. The seat right next to Peeta. How fucking fantastic. He gives me a small smile before returning to his mash potato helping that's clearly more fascinating.

I serve myself and try to listen to the polite conversation going on between Haymitch and Mr. Mellark. I glance toward the head of the table and notice Mrs. Mellark staring me down. It was starting to make me uncomfortable so I picked up my cup and began slowly drinking from it.

"So Katniss," Mrs. Mellark begins.

Oh shit.

"Yes?"

"Where did you say you were originally from?"

"Oh, I didn't. I'm from a small down called Seam. It's only a few hours from here."

"So, why did you and your father move?"

"Oh, actually ma'am, Haymitch is my uncle. We moved down here because this is his hometown and it's considerably nicer."

"Where are your parents?" She sneers.

"Uhm, there, uhm.."

"They're no longer with us. Father gone about six years and mother about a year now." Haymitch thankfully answers for me. I don't think I was ready to answer something like that.

"Shame." She says, eyes focused on cutting her steak. "So then you're an only child."

"No, I mean, yes now." I say confused as to what Prim's death really means. Does that make me an only child?

"Now?" She presses on. Seriously women, you have to know what that means?

"She passed away about three weeks ago. That's the main push for the move."

"My, my, my… What a sorry life you lead." She says.

Wait… what?

"What is that supposed to mean?" I stare back at her. I challenge her to answer. I really do.

Suddenly, someone's hand is on my own, squeezing it. I look down at the hand, and then back up to the face. Peeta is staring straight at me, pleading me with his eyes not to continue. I yank my hand away and press on.

"What do you mean I lead a sorry life?"

"Well, your whole family is dead, and I've been to Seam. It's a rat invested ghetto of a town. Truly awful. Tell me, did your parents die of drug overdose? I hear that's quite common down there."

"No. My father was hit head on by a drunk driver. Killed instantly."

"And… your mother?"

I don't know how to answer that. She did overdose, on pills, but I most certainly don't want her to know that.

"No one really knows, everyone presumes it was just a broken heart."

"Weak women." She spits.

"Excuse me?" I can't help but just stare at her, wondering how the hell she can be so rude with her bluntness.

"She just abandons her children like that? Pity."

"I've had just about enough of this conversation." Haymitch's voice roars through the dining room.

"How dare you speak like that in my household." Mrs. Mellark fights with him.

"How dare you speak to my niece rudely, while disgracing my sister!"

"Oh dear, she disgraced herself."

"MOM! Enough!" Peeta yells.

He shocks me with his powerful voice. How did the shy quiet boy from ten minutes ago suddenly become this man?

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Mellark challenges.

"Don't speak to them that way." Peeta presses.

"I think we're just going to go." I stand and Haymitch follows me in a hurry.

I run out the door and don't even look back. Haymitch catches up to me. He stops me, squeezes my shoulder and looks into my eyes.

"Well she's a fucking bitch." He finally says.

I crack up laughing.

* * *

I wake up to a boy yelling. At first I can't tell where it's coming from, but then I glance out my window. I can see Mrs. Mellark standing in Peeta's room repeatedly hitting him with a rolling pin. I gasp, and bring my hand up to my mouth. He's fallen over and is trying to cover his face with his hands in order to protect himself. She's about to go for another blow when I scream at the top of my lungs and bang on the window.

This slightly catches her attention and she stands up straight, and stalks out from the room. Peeta isn't moving. He's just lying there on the ground. I begin to panic and I open my window in a rush. I crawl out of it and dash across the short two feet between our close houses. I start to bang on his window, but he won't move. So I pull up on his window hoping it's unlocked. It is.

I crawl into his room and run to him. He's still conscious but in a lot of pain. He has bruises all down his arms, a busted lip, and both of his eyes are swollen shut. I cradle him in my arms and do the only thing I know how to do when someone is hurt.

I sing to him.

**Please Review!**


	5. Awkward Morning

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games… getting a little tired of saying it. Not my best chapter, but it's most just a filler. **

Chapter five

_Deep in the meadow_

_Under the willow_

_A bed of grass_

_A soft green pillow_

_Lay down your head… _

I continue to sing to Peeta as he lies in my arms sobbing. My hand is stroking his hair as I find myself murmuring the words in to his soft locks. Before I can stop myself I gently kiss the top of his head, and he stills. His sobbing ceases and he just lies there, lifeless. At first I think he's passed out, but then he speaks.

"Why did you stop?" He asks.

"I-I don't know. I finished the song."

"Your voice is beautiful. I swear the birds stop to listen."

"Shh, come here."

I lift him up and help him into his bed. I tuck him in and whisper words that seem to calm him. I brush the hair from his eyes and work up the courage to ask him what happened.

"She-she was an-angry because I-I stood up to her." He just barely gets out, still trying to calm his breathing.

"Peeta… does she do this often?"

He looks up at me then. The swelling in his eyes has gone down, but there is a considerable amount of bruising. No doubt he will have two black eyes. I search those perfect blue orbs and only see fear in them. That's when I know my answer. This is a regular occurrence.

"Peeta.." I whisper, not really sure what else to say.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the way she acted tonight. You're a beautiful girl, and you're strong, I can tell."

If only he knew how weak I was. How I checked out from the world once my sister died. How I drag a blade across my skin nearly every day. How I cry myself to sleep every night, only to be awoken by nightmares.

I lean down and kiss his forehead. I squeeze his hand and wish that I could protect him. Shield him from this harsh world. But maybe that isn't such a good idea. Everything I touch I destroy. I don't want this fragile soul to crumble because of me. That's what I do; I either hurt people, or protect them. Even when I protect them, they find some way to die. I'm not very good at protecting the ones I love, and I hate myself every day because of it. I whisper goodnight and let go of his hand, starting toward the window. He quickly grabs my hand and pulls me back to him.

"Wait!" He pleads. "Stay."

I look down at his innocent face. I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to do it. Maybe it was the way his hand felt in my own. How it fit perfectly, or how it sent a buzzing feeling straight up through my arm and touched my heart. When he places his other hand on my cheek, I lean into it and know that I can't deny him anything.

"Always." I say, and crawl into bed next to him.

He pulls me to him, kisses the back of my head, and we both drift off to sleep.

* * *

I wake up slowly.

First I breathe in the faint smell of vanilla and sugar. It's warm and inviting. I nuzzle my nose into the smell and pull it closer to me. I open my eyes to find myself with my head on Peeta's bare chest. His skin is soft and warm. It's him; he's the one that smells so good. That's not a smell that can be given through soap or cologne. That is just the smell of Peeta. My legs are tangled up with his and I try to untangle us. My knee brushes up against something and I hear Peeta take a sharp intake of breath. I look up at him to see that he's awake. He's been awake for awhile from what I can tell.

His sudden gasp made me snap my leg back. So, when I go to move it again, he moans. Why is he moaning? Did I hurt him? I glance up at him with fear in my eyes and notice that his mouth is parted slightly and he's breathing heavily. I sit up quickly and straddle his lap so I can get a closer inspection of his face. I grab his face in-between my hands and move it from side to side. I lean forward to inspect his cheek bone when he moans again.

"Peeta, what's wrong? Are you in pain?" I ask frantically.

He shakes his from side to side rapidly. I don't understand. I lean back from where I was, and he gasps and bucks his hips upward. I get off of him to ask him what his problem is when I notice the tent in his sweatpants.

"What the hell Peeta?" I gasp.

"I'm so sorry, oh my god, I'm so sorry." He quickly grabs a pillow and puts it over his… his… _manhood._

"Why?" Is all I can manage.

"You really have no idea do you? The effect you can have? I'm a seventeen year old boy Katniss, and you're a really beautiful girl who just spent a whole night tangled up with me in my bed. I'm sorry."

"Did you say a whole night?" I question.

"Uhm, yeah?"

"That's the first night I haven't had a nightmare since my sister passed."

"You know what… I didn't have any nightmares either." He smiles.

"You get nightmares too?" I ask him, astonished.

"Almost every night for as long as I can remember."

For some reason this shocks me, but then I remember what I witnessed last night. Of course he would have nightmares. I would too.

"Why do you think that is?" I ask him.

"Why what is?" He cocks his head to the side, as if searching me for the answer.

"Why we didn't have nightmares."

"I don't know, but you're the first person who has ever comforted me. Ever. I felt… I felt cared for. For the first time in my life. Maybe that's why. You make me feel safe." He looks away at a wall, as if he's ashamed at this confession.

"Why?" I ask.

"To be honest? I really don't know, but I know that I like it."

I smile at him. I hug him and whisper that everything will be alright. He pulls me in for a tighter hug, and I smile against his chest. Then I remember his predicament. It's not that it freaks me out, it just... freaks me out. I'm not ready for that kind of thing. Hell, I'm not even ready for whatever just happened last night. Prim just died, it's not fair of me to continue a life she can never have, when it's my fault she's gone. I wasn't there for her.

"I'm just going to go now."

"You don't have too." He pleads. I look down at the pillow in his lap, then back up at him.

"Yeah, I really do."

He seems to get it because he's blushing and not looking into my eyes. I get up and walk towards the window, desperately wanting to get out of here.

"Katniss?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" I don't really know what I did.

"Being here for me. You could have just left me on the ground to suffer."

"No Peeta, I couldn't have." And with that, I walk over to my house.

**Like I said, this is mostly just a filler chapter. How long do you think I should keep Katniss distant from Peeta? I know when I read stories I get annoyed with how long it takes them to get together. Let me know what you think! Review!**


	6. A Sexual Awakening

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games. A Short chapter to keep all of you at bay. Expect a long chapter sometime tomorrow involving young Peeta asking a certain Katniss on a date. WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M FOR MATURE. MATURE THEMES INVOLVE MASTURBATION. **

Chapter six

It's been two days since the incident with Peeta and his mother. We haven't really spoken since then, aside from the occasional wave from the window. I decide to peak over to see if he's in his room when I spot a note tapped to his window.

_I'm coming over to your house now._

Wait…what?

Just then the doorbell rings and I dash to the door. I take a deep breath before opening it and am met face to face with Peeta.

"What are you doing here?" I scowl at him.

"Didn't you see my note?"

"Well yeah, but that doesn't explain why you're here."

"I just needed to see you…"

"Why?" I say skeptically.

"Can I just come in?"

I move out of the way and gesture with my arm for him to come on in.

"Is Haymitch here?" He asks, looking around.

"No, he had to run to the store for a fe-"

I'm cut off when his lips meet mine. He has both of his hands on either side of my face and he's kissing me. At first I'm frozen in place, not really sure of what to do. Do I push him off? Do I kiss him back? When his tongue trails across my lower lip, I moan.

I am no longer capable of rational decisions as I begin to return his kiss. Our mouths are connected in a heat of hurried passion. I don't know where this came from, but I sure as hell don't want to read into it right now. He backs me up against the door and trails his hands from my face, down the sides of my body, and to my hips. He loops his fingers into the belt loops of my jeans and pulls me toward him.

It's the hardness in his jeans that makes me push him back. I panic a little bit when I realize what just happened. This isn't me. I don't do these things.

"I'm sorry." He says. Backing away from me and running a hand nervously through his hair. "I shouldn't have done that. It's just, you've been in my head for the past two days, and I couldn't get you out."

"It's okay." I manage to squeak out.

"Maybe I should go. I'm so sorry. My god, I am so sorry." He runs toward the door and I don't stop him as he leaves.

Once the door closes I press two fingers to my lips and sink down to the ground. My lips are still tingling from our kiss. My first kiss. I hope that wasn't obvious. Maybe that's why he left so fast, he could tell that I had no idea what I was doing.

All I can focus on right now is that fact that he just left me to sit here and wonder what the hell just happened.

* * *

It's around midnight when I become a little restless. I start pacing back and forth in my room just thinking about that kiss. About how good his lips felt against mine, and how hard his chest felt beneath my hands. The way his strong hands slowly trailed down my body, just barely hitting the sides of my breasts. It all felt so good. So impossibly good. Just the thought of it was sending electric currents straight down my body to my vagina.

I need to see him. I need to just look at him. I walk over to my window and pull one of my blinds to the side to secretly sneak a peek at him. I did not prepare myself for what I was about to see.

Peeta is lying down on his bed with his head thrown back against his pillows. His mouth is in the shape of an O, and his eyes are squeezed tightly shut. My eyes trail down his body. He has no shirt on, and my god does he look like a god. His abs are perfectly chiseled and hairless, aside from the faint glow of blonde hair leading from his belly button to his hard cock.

His hand is working at his cock furiously. He's moving his hand up and down, occasionally taking his thumb and circling it around the head of his cock. It is probably the hottest and most erotic thing I have ever seen. I can feel the wetness pooling between my legs as I just stare at him.

Suddenly his hips buck and his lower back arches off the bed, as he cums all over his lower stomach and bed sheets. Normally this kind of thing would have made me disgusted, but now I was strangely turned on.

My mind started to run through reasons that I could use to climb into his bed with him. I shook all those stupid ideas from my head and lied back down in my bed. Don't be stupid, Katniss. You don't deserve him, you couldn't even keep your own sister alive. All you're going to do is ruin him even more than he already is.

I just need to let him be.

I just need to shake him from my mind.

But first, I need to take care of the throbbing between my thighs.

**So, next chapter I'm thinking of having Peeta ask Katniss on a date. What do you think? Should she say yes? Or is she not ready?**


	7. Enough is Enough

**Author Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I had a bit of writers block. Thank you for all the helpful reviews! I never thought my story would be at 42 followers already. Thank you so much! I do not own the Hunger Games. **

Chapter seven

Have you ever wanted something just out of reach? It was always there taunting you, but you could never have it? When you were a child, it was that cookie on the counter mom told you that you couldn't eat before dinner. As we grow that unattainable cookie becomes something a little more complex. For me it's that boy next door.

Peeta is so close, yet so far away. It's been days since our kiss and his blinds have been closed ever since. I don't really know what to think of it. This boy is somehow getting under my skin and I just don't understand it. I barely know him but I'm just so drawn to him. His soft eyes, his warm smile, his reassuring touch, it all drives me mad. Just the sound of his voice right now might bring me to tears. I want that voice to be directed at me again. So bold and confident, yet soft and comforting.

My hands are trembling because they want so badly to just reach out to him. I can't stand this any longer. I can't stand these closed off windows that keep us apart. It all just seems so silly, me needing him so much. I'm falling back into my dark place again, and it's like I need his eyes like I need air. I need them so they'll let me know that there is a future. I need them so I can look into them and know that the past is over and the world carries on.

I've decided that I'm not going to wait around any longer like some lost little puppy. I'm going to go to him. Now. I get up and walk straight out of the house to his front door. I'm about to knock when I remember Mrs. Mellark. There is no way in hell I'm going to face her after everything that happened at dinner the other night. I make a bee-line for Peeta's window and knock on it. He pulls the blinds back and stares at me with wide eyes. He drops the blinds and for a moment, I think he's going to ignore that I just knocked on his window.

I start to stalk away frustrated with myself when I hear the blinds being pulled back. I turn around and Peeta is lifting the window up for me. We just stare at each other for awhile, neither one of us making any sudden movements. When he reaches out his hand, I grab it and climb into his room. We're nose to nose by his window, and he's still holding my hand. I look into his eyes and smile.

"Hi." I manage out.

"Hi." He smiles at me. God, How I've missed that smile. "What are you doing here?"

"You kissed me." I blurt.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that." He drops my hand walks over to his bed, frowning.

"Why?" I pester, frustrated.

"Because you obviously didn't want me to."

"Where the hell did you get an idea like that?"

"You pushed me away." Right. I forgot about that.

We just stare at each other for a few moments. I finally work up a little bit of courage and ask him what I've been wanting for the past few days.

"Kiss me again."

"What?" He stares at me, eyes wide, in shock.

"I want you… to kiss me again."

He doesn't need to be told a third time. He grabs my hand and pulls me down onto the bed next to him. He grabs my face between his hands and pulls me into a kiss. I moan on first contact because it's better than I remembered. It's only a soft kiss that lasts a few moments. He pulls away and touches his forhead to mine.

"Go out with me." He breathes.

"Like on a date?"

"Yes, on a date, tomorrow." He looks into my eyes, begging me to say yes.

"No," I start and his eyes show that of pain and his smile falls. "Tonight." I finish.

His eyes widen and he grabs my face and pecks little kisses all over. On my forehead, my nose, my eyelids, my cheeks, and then he continues downward and kisses my neck. He peppers kisses just underneath my jawline, and then takes my earlobe between his teeth and tugs. I gasp and pull him closer to me. He continues his treatment back to the pulse point on my neck and lazily trails his tongue on it, causing me to shudder.

"Yes, go out with me tonight." He says as he stops kissing my neck and just looks into my eyes.

"Where?"

"The movies. We'll go to the movies." He smiles.

I think this is a perfect idea, because we don't have to talk the entire time, which is something that intimidates me because I'm horrible with words.

"Okay." I smile.

"I'll pick you up around six?" All I can do is nod my head and smile.

We exchange phone numbers and then he pecks me on the lips and I go back to my house. I nervously get ready for my date and think about what will happen. This is the my first date. Ever. With anyone. I just pray that it goes smoothly.

**Please Review! They really encourage me to keep writing, and sometimes you guys give good advice.**


	8. A Very Rewarding Date

**Author Note: I do not own The Hunger Games. This chapter is rated M for sexual situations. **

Chapter eight

"So what movie do you want to see?" Peeta asks me as we stand outside the box office.

"I'm not sure. I heard that new Epic movie is pretty cute. Plus my favorite actor voices one of the main characters."

"Which actor?"

"Josh Hutcherson. He's so gorgeous." I gush.

Peeta sneaks his arms around my waist and puts his chin on my shoulder.

"Now don't make me jealous of a celebrity." He whispers in my ear.

"No need to be jealous. You're clearly more handsome." I smile at him.

We finally decide on watching Now You See Me but are about twenty minutes early to the movie. He hands the box office guy twenty dollars, offering to pay for both of us. I try to protest but he ignores me. He hands me my ticket and I run in ahead of him. I walk straight up to counter and order popcorn and a large soda. I've already began paying by the time Peeta walks up with a frustrated look. I smile big at him and stuff the popcorn in my mouth.

"Even." I say.

He just huffs and then smiles. I put two straws into the soda and he raises an eyebrow at me.

"What? It's cheaper this way." I blush. He smiles.

When we get into the dark theater, not even the pre-pre-views have started, and no one is in the theater. We race up to the top seats like children. Once we're all settled we start talking about meaningless things.

"What's your favorite color?" He asks.

"Forest green because it reminds me of home."

"Why is that?"

"I used to hunt in the woods all the time to keep Prim and I fed. We didn't have a lot of money for food." I state sadly. He's about to ask about it so I jump right in, "What's your favorite color?"

"Orange."

"Orange?" I wrinkle up my nose. "Why orange?"

"Not like, traffic cone orange, but a soft orange, like the sunset. Sunset is one of my favorite parts of the day."

"Why is that?"

"It means I survived another day. Plus it's beautiful to paint."

"You paint?" I ask, stunned.

"Yeah, I love to paint. I learned how to do that by decorating cakes."

"So what, you like, bake stuff?"

"My family owns the bakery on the corner. You know, the one by the McDonalds and Home Depot?"

"Oh, right! _**Mellark's Baked Goods**_! I really have no idea how I didn't put two and two together."

He laughs. We both end up reaching for the popcorn at the exact same time and our hands brush. An electric current seems to radiate up through my arm and I yank my hand away really fast. That freaked me out. The moment seems to slip away and we both continue to talk. A few minutes later I pick up the soda and begin to drink from my straw. Peeta does something unexpected and reaches in to start drinking from his straw. Our noses are touching and we look into each other's eyes.

Even when we both stop drinking, we never move our faces away from each other. He leans his forehead against mine and lightly traces his nose against mine. Jolts are being send through my body, wrapping around my heart, and then shooting down in-between my thighs. I rub my legs together to try and gain some friction to stop the throbbing.

He just barely swipes his lips across mine when I do something that shocks not only him but me as well. I bight down on his bottom lip he gasps and then moans. I draw in his lip in-between my own and soon we're kissing. My hand goes around to the back of his head and grab some of his hair and bring him closer to me. He moves his hand to my thigh and his massaging my leg there. It all feels so passionate, so hot, so amazing, so impossible good.

Soon I can't take it anymore and I move his hand up my body, over my hip, past my waist, and then I place it just underneath my left breast. I let go of his hand and move my hand to join the one behind his neck. He breaks the kiss and stares into my eyes, as if asking for permission. I just nod my head and go back to kissing him.

He moves his hand to cover my breast and squeezes gently. I moan into his mouth and he takes this as encouragement. He begins to massage my breast over my shirt and moves his thumb in tight circles where the nipple is. I gasp and lean into his hands. I break away from his kiss and start to trail my lips along his jaw line. He groans and squeezes my other breast.

I felt powerful because I could cause him to make those groans of satisfaction. It made me feel… different, like a I was a women. I begin to feel myself develop a sexual awakening. I was never aware of boys, and never gave a second thought to sex and now having Peeta's hands are all over me, and my hands are all over him. I can't think of anything else that someone would want to do with their life. This is the only thing that seems important. I lean into his ear and nibble on the lobe.

"That feels so good Peeta. Don't stop, god, don't ever stop." I whisper into his ear. His breath shakes and he rolls his eyes back into his head.

"You feel so good Katniss." He moans to me.

He pulls me back into a kiss and licks my bottom lip. I open my mouth to him and our tongues are thrown into the mix, deepening the kiss. It feels as if we've been kissing for hours when we hear conversation coming from the door leading into the theater. We snap apart before anyone can see what we were doing.

We're both breathing hard and Peeta shifts the bulge in his pants. When it's still obvious he sets the popcorn bucket on top of his lap.

"Is that uncomfortable?" I ask, eyes glued to his lap. Intrigued by it.

"A little bit, but I'll be fine." He says.

"I want to take care of it." I'm surprised by my own boldness, not sure where it came from.

"You do?" He stares at me with wide eyes and rubs at his pants a little bit. Obviously turned on by what I said.

"Yes. I really want to. I want to see it." I'm absent mindedly licking my lips.

"Are you sure?" He asks hesitantly. Peeta is such a sweet boy, it warms my heart.

"Yes, but not in here." I grab his hand and h moves to pick up our things. "No leave it, it will save our seats."

"Where are we going?" He asks as I pull him from the theater.

I look around at the empty hallway and push him into the family bathroom and lock the door. When I turn around he quickly pins me to the door and starts kissing me fiercely.

"God, Katniss, you're so beautiful." He breaths on my neck, placing kisses in the sensitive spot he found earlier today.

I moan and move my hand to rub at the bulge in his pants and he freezes. At first I think I've done something wrong and stop massaging him, but he bucks his hips into my hand and whispers for me not to stop. I smile and kiss him as I rub him with a little more pressure. He isn't really returning my kiss but is more panting into my mouth. I'm okay with this because I know I'm making him feel good.

"Peeta, I want to see it."

He doesn't need to be told twice and he starts to unbutton his pants and I push them down to his ankles. I then proceed to bush down his boxers and his cock springs free. It's just as mesmorizing as the time I saw it when he was masturbating. I hesitantly reach out to touch his cock and he hisses and bucks into my hand.

"Oh my god Katniss, that feels so good. You have no idea." He gasps.

I'm not entirely sure what to do.

"Peeta" I breathe out.

He looks into my eyes and leans his forehead against mine and grabs my hand in his.

"We don't have to do this Kat." He pecks my lips as I smile at the nickname.

"No! No! I want to! It's just… I've never done this before."

He breaths out a sigh of relief.

"Neither have I, I was hoping you wouldn't notice. I thought you were experienced." He laughs.

"Funny, I was thinking the same thing." I laugh. "That day you came over to my house and just kissed me… that was my first kiss."

"Mine too." He responds.

"What!? Really?" I would have thought… someone as attractive as him…

"Yeah, really. No other girl has really caught my attention like you have."

"I never thought about boys or sex until you kissed me."

He kisses me again in that moment, softly.

"I want to do this for you." I plead.

"Are you sure?" He locks my eyes with his.

"Yes, teach me." I breathe.

He takes my hand moving it to his shaft and moves my hand forward and back.

"Just keep moving your hand in that motion."

I do as I'm told, even after he removes his own hand, and places both his hands on either side of on the wall, still leaning his forehead against mine. He's panting hard, and I speed up my hand a little bit, he moans at this.

"Hold onto me a little more firmly." I do this and his eyes flutter closed. "Fuck Katniss. This is so good." I smile at being able to do this and grip a little more firmly while moving my hand a little faster. He starts to thrust in time with my hand. I notice a liquid coming from the head of his cock and I trace my thumb on it, and move the slickness around in tight circles. He thrusts his head back in a loud groan. So loud I have to kiss him to silence him.

He pushes up my shirt and starts to cup by breasts over my bra.

"Peeta, take it off. Take the damn shirt off!" I moan loudly.

He lifts up the shirt and throws it somewhere in the corner of the bathroom and drops his head down to kiss the tops of my breasts. He reaches around me and moves to unclasp it. He silently asks permission with his eyes and I just peck him on the lips and tug on his cock to answer. The second my bra falls to the ground his lips are on my nipple. I gasp and squeeze Peeta's cock tightly. He moans on my breast, caused the vibration to send shock waves to the throbbing between my legs.

"Shit, Katniss I'm going to cum!" He breathes into my ear.

I don't stop. I just continue working on his cock, and he spills his seed all over my stomach, crying out in ecstasy. I kiss him to swallow his moans and silence him. He pulls away panting and walks over the sink to grab a few paper towels. He wipes my stomach off and then cleans up himself as I put my shirt back on. Once his pants are on he walks over to me and puts his arms around my waist, leading his forehead on my shoulder.

"Can I do that to you?" He asks.

I freeze. I really want him to touch me. To put out the fire that has taken over my entire being, but I don't know if I'm ready for someone to touch me in that way. I'm beginning to get nervous just thinking about it. Peeta senses this.

"It doesn't have to be today. Another day."

"You want to see me again." I ask.

"I want to see you every day of my life for a really long time. Katniss, I'm falling hard and fast for you. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. When I'm with you I feel like I'm dreaming, and I never want to wake up. I just want to get to know you and be with you." He strokes her cheek and kisses her forehead, then her nose, followed by both cheeks, and then a quick peck on her lips.

"Okay." I smile.

"Let's go back to the movie." He offers.

I take his hand in mine and we sneak back into the theater.

I never want to let go of his hand.

**Extra long chapter today! This is to make up for giving you two chapters of only about 950 words. So here is a little over 2,100 words and a smutty scene. I hope the smut is okay. This is the first time I've written something like this. PLEASE REVIEW! 333**


	9. Monsters live inside our heads

**Author Note: I do not own the Hunger Games. This chapter is rated M for suicidal triggers. **

Chapter nine

Today was a bad day for me.

I sat up in bed, and that became the only movement I made all day long. I just sat there and stared at nothing. My mind was lost in my thoughts. Occasional I would let out a shaky breath, and an audible yelp that sounding the beginning of a sobbing fit, but the crying never came.

I just stared around my room at old family photographs, hunting trophies, SAT books, and god knows what else. Everything held some kind of empty promise, empty dream, empty reality; everything was just empty and useless to me. I couldn't bring myself to breathe at one point, and it was the painful stutter in my lungs that reminded me I hadn't inhaled in a good minute or two.

My mind kept wandering and my head hurt from all the thought. I thought about the lacking of a family in my life. How I felt like there was no one left to care about me. Of course I had Haymitch but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. I needed my family. I needed my father to sing to me at night, and my mother to kiss my head and tell me I'm beautiful, and most of all I need Prim's blue eyes swimming with hope and adoration to look up at me.

I had none of things.

I would never have these things again.

I'm broken. My whole body feels shattered and useless. I can't move any limb on my body because it feels like to much effort. My heart feels as though it's ripping in three different directions. Each piece breaking off whenever I lost another person. Now I have nobody and all three of them feel like there trying to drag the piece of my heart I gave them to the afterlife with them.

It's not fair, and it makes me want to hate them. How dare they leave me here to face my demons alone? How dare they die and leave me behind?

I want to be with them.

I_ need_ to be with them.

I don't even give it another thought when I make the decision to join them. They're my world, and if my world no longer means this one, then I'll join them in the next. If there is a next. Either way I can no longer carry on living without them.

This pain has become too much and with every breath I take I hate myself a little more. I've sat in this position all day long. My room had become dark as the sun fell from the sky. I remember when I was child and the dark frightened me. I was afraid to go to bed at night because I believed there were monsters under my bed. When I confided in my father about this he quietly shushed me and told me, "Katniss, monsters don't live under our beds. They live inside our heads."

When he told me that as a child I had no idea what he was talking about. As I grew up and no longer believed in monsters, I assumed he was telling me that I was making the monsters up inside my head. But now, in this moment, I realize that he was telling me the monsters are in ourselves. It's our fears and our sadness that create a darkness that lives in our heads telling us horrible things. These demons make us crazy. These monsters are out personal hell that we can't hide from. Day or night. They live inside us and eat up our sanity and strength, leaving us vulnerable and weak.

I get out of bed for the first time that day, and my muscles are stiff. I don't bother stretching them out because I don't need loose limbs to die. I get out the piece of rope that I use to tie knots in when I'm nervous. It's a habit I picked up from the therapy session Haymitch put me in when my mother died. The therapist handed me a piece of rope to keep my shaking hands busy. I often just tie and re-tie knots on days when I fall apart.

Today I have a different intention.

I tie a noose with the rope and then go over the wall and flip my ceiling fan off. I reach up and tie it to the rod hanging from the ceiling that holds up my fan. I tug on it roughly to see if it will hold. I then go grab my desk chair and put it underneath the noose. I climb on top of the chair and stare at thing that will end my life in a matter of minutes.

I start to think about my life, and what a mess it has become. The tears are freely flowing now, and I can't hold back the gut wrenching sobs that come out of my mouth. I don't even know the reason of why I exist. I don't do anything for this world. Nothing. Maybe that's why everything in this world has been taken away from me. It was a message that was trying to tell me, "Give up, you're worthless." It took my last family member to push me over the edge. I just wanted to run away from everything, and I did that when I moved out here. I had always wondered why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere they want. Then I asked myself the same question, so I left. But now I know that it wasn't enough.

I'm so deep in thought that I don't hear the window starting to open. I move to put the noose around my neck when I pulled to the ground. I land on top of something hard and the wind is knocked from chest. The object, no person, is holding me tightly and crying. Then they're placing kisses into my hair. I realize that I was just ripped from the thing I wanted most, death. So I begin to scream. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and I don't think I'll ever stop. Haymitch comes bursting through my door with a knife but it comes thudding to the ground. He drops to the ground after it with a thud on his knees and he's staring up at the noose hanging from the ceiling.

He looks at me then with tears in his eyes. I'm still thrashing around in mystery arms, not caring enough to see who it is when I hear his voice.

"Katniss please!" Peeta shouts at me.

I freeze. Peeta. Peeta is here. My Peeta. My sunshine. My light. My hope. I don't hesitate when I touch my hand to his cheek and kiss him. I keep my lips on his for a very long time as we both calm down. I break away and put my head on his chest as we both lay there on the ground. At some point, I drift to sleep.

**How will Peeta handle this side of Katniss that he she never let him see? Please review! They help motivate to write faster! Also, I'm about to start another Peeta/Katniss story called, "Love in all the wrong places". Be on the lookout for it!**


	10. My world

**Author Note: So I started writing my other story! You can check it out at this link s/9425880/1/Love-in-All-the-Wrong-Places . I do not own the Hunger Games. **

Chapter ten

I hear their voices talking about me when I begin to wake up. I don't open my eyes so I can listen in.

"I don't understand." Peeta asks in a whisper.

"She's been depressed for a while now boy. It's expected. She lost her whole family and you can't just expect her to move on from that. Sometimes she gets lost and doesn't know how find her way back."

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"Too damn proud." Haymitch scoffs. I smirk a little bit into my pillow. He's right. "So are you two together now or what?"

"I don't know." Peeta says slowly. "I mean, we went on one date but, we never officially established anything."

"You know if you damage her any more than she already is I'll have to kill you right?"

"I would never hurt her."

"Just making sure we're on the same page." Haymitch grunts.

Peeta intertwines his hand with mine and I squeeze it in return.

"Katniss?" Peeta questions aloud to see if I'm awake.

In answer I pull on his arm and bring him down to lay beside me on the bed. He pulls me to him and whispers nonsense into my ear. I nuzzle my head in the crook of his shoulder and sigh in contentment. He kisses my collarbone.

"When it starts to get mushy, that's when I head out." Haymitch walks out of the room shutting the door behind him.

I breathe in that smell that can only be Peeta and smile. I put my hand underneath his shirt and rest it on his hard abdomen. I could lay here for a thousand years in his arms never grow bored or restless. Peeta pulls back and looks me in the eyes.

"Do you have any idea how much it frightened me to look out my window and see you moving to put a noose around your neck?" Peeta questions; exasperated. That seems to make my blood boil.

"Do YOU have any idea how much is frightens me to know that I was ready to take my OWN life?" I yell in his face. "How dare you. How dare you prepare yourself for a lecture on how that would affect you. How do you think it affected me? If I want to kill myself than it's my goddamn right too. You can't tell me what to do with my life, and you can't guilt me into staying alive." I grow tired of yelling and just push him away and curl of into a ball, facing away from him.

Peeta doesn't say a word. There is nothing he can say. He pulls me back to him and wraps his arms around my waist, kissing the back of my head, and then nuzzling his face in-between my shoulder blades. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the events of today and begin to sob hysterically. Peeta just pulls me closer to him, repeatedly kissing every part of me that he can reach, and rubbing soothing circles into my sides.

He doesn't try to calm me because he knows that I can't be calm. He doesn't try to tell me that everything will be okay because he knows that nothing will ever be okay for me again, all I can do it heal. He doesn't tell me that it will get easier because he knows that's not what I want to hear. All he does is hold me close to him because somehow, he just knows that is what I want. What I need.

"Stay with me?" I ask.

He turns me around so I look directly into his soft blue eyes. Those eyes that I could get lost in. He kisses me softly while twirling my braid in his fingers. I begin to drift off to sleep and the last thing I hear is Peeta reassure me.

"Always." He says, and places his forehead against mine, touching our noses together. I swear I fall asleep with a smile on my lips.

* * *

When I wake up Peeta is gone. The piece of bed next to me is cold and I know that he has been gone for a while. I start to get that empty feeling again and I just lay there feeling like a limb has been cut from my body.

I start to smell the faint scent of bacon wafting through the air. I get up and follow the smell into the kitchen. There is a blonde head in front of the stove and a wide smile breaks out over my face. I run over to him and I collide my body to his. My arms wrap around his form and pull him to me. I begin to feel that completeness again and it soothes me.

"Good morning." He chuckles.

"I really like you." I tell him, blunt as always. I've never been good with subtleness.

"Good thing the feeling is mutual."

He turns around and pulls me into a kiss. It's long and slow and it fills me with hope for a better day. It's almost as if he's feeding me all of his light. He starts to pull away and I panic and pull him back to me. I deepen the kiss to keep him with me because I don't want to be without his light. I need it. I need him. He smiles against my lips and finally pulls away.

"I will happily oblige this sudden need to touch me constantly as soon as I finish breakfast." He kisses the top of my nose.

I nod and tell him I'm going to take a shower. Upon my return there are eggs, pancakes, bacon, and biscuits with gravy.

"Did you make all this?" I question him.

"I have a baker's inner alarm clock. I've been up for hours. The biscuits are fresh." He blushes.

"This is amazing Peeta!" I kiss him and sit down in my chair to eat.

He sits down next to me, but I need him closer. I get up and go to sit in his lap. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back. We both eat breakfast this way, never uttering a word, content in a comfortable silence. When we've both finished I take the dishes and place them in the sink. I grab his hand and lead him back into my bedroom. We settle into my bed and I pull him as close as I can.

"I don't want to leave bed today." I tell him, kissing all over his face.

"Why so lovey-dovey today? Not that I don't mind it, because this is amazing."

He kisses me and I melt into it. I lick his bottom lip to ask for access that he quickly grants. We both moan at the contact of our tongues and he pulls my waist closer to his. Then he breaks away and stares at me, remembering he asked a question.

"I'm not really sure." I answer honestly. "All I know is I realized when you held me after I tried to kill myself that you were here. I kept feeling like I had no more world, no more light, but that's not true. You held me when I cried and didn't say anything. You didn't pressure me to tell you anything, you didn't lie to me and tell me that it was okay. You just held me tighter with every tear I shed. That made me realize that I have a new world. That I want a new world. That you're my world. I know that we've only really known each other for a short while but that feels like years; lifetimes. You're my world now."

He pulls me into him and kisses me, agreeing that this is how he feels as well.

"I think I'm falling in love with you." I tell him quietly.

"I think I already fell." He tells me.

**Awh, Katniss learned to embrace how much she needs Peeta right now. Please review guys! I love it when you do! Also, please check out my other story, I could use some supporters on that one as well! **


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